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We were both straight and didn’t have any reason to venture over to the other team, but we toyed around with the idea. One night, after a particularly long dry spell between boyfriends, Michelle texted me. “I’m so horny" the text message said, and my eyes lit up. “Maybe we should just sleep together and end this desert we’re in. I laughed and replied, “What time should I be there? ” When I got to Michelle’s dorm, she was wearing pajamas, cute shorts and a low cut shirt. Because her dorm was so small, the only place to sit was her bed, so I crawled in bed with her, like I have hundreds of times, except this time it wasn’t so innocent. We were nervous- something we never had been with each other before. We talked for a while and I watched her lips as they curved over her words, and I wanted to taste them so bad. Finally, I went for it. I leaned toward her and breathed her in, her soft lips that smelled faintly like vanilla, her sweet tongue shyly touching mine and the desperation. On a sunny Saturday, Rita and Addie came and helped me paint the nursery yellow. Rita, who’d always been artistic, painted a mural of zoo animals on one wall. We assembled the crib with Brian’s power tools, and it was nice doing it ourselves.As we planned for Bean, we also planned for Rita’s wedding, which would take place approximately three months after Bean would be born. Rita made Addie and me go check out venues with her and Brian. As we visited venue after venue, the rustic ones and the glam ones and the elegant ones, I realized how this might’ve been something that Wes would have wanted: happily ever after.And I’d gone and broken his fucking heart.I still remembered the look on his face, as if I’d kicked him in the soul. The pain in his eyes had been immeasurable, an ocean of grief, swallowing me, drowning me. And sometimes ... sometimes it got hard and I wanted to give in, wanted to drown.But I had Bean.She was the light at the end of the tunnel, my reason for living. I.
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